AUTHOR: tbooty DATE: 8/11/2004 07:46:00 PM ----- BODY: after my trip down memory lane, i did some thinking. after looking at things from all angles, i discovered something quite alarming. something totally out of character for me. i have ALWAYS been a "white picket fence" kinda girl. always thought i'd get married, have 2-4 kids, live happily ever after. all that happy horseshit. ok, it's not really horseshit. that's just my sarcasm coming out to cover up the hurt for being almost 33 and not having achieved that dream yet. i know this. i know that i want to be a wife and a mother. i know that i WILL be a mother, even if i have to do it by myself. it's something that i've wanted for as long as i can remember. yes, i'd prefer to do it with a husband, but the older i get the more willing i am to go it alone, if i have to. this is not what's alarming to me. what is alarming to me? i'm starting to think. like. a. guy that's the only thing that makes any sense. let me lay it all out for you and you tell me what conclusion you come to. remember i mentioned that last year i met a guy and it didn't work out after a few weeks? well, i was ga ga over this guy. seriously. not "ohmigod i'm in love!" ga ga, but ga ga nonetheless. if he didn't call, i was morose. if he did call i was all a flutter. it was bad people. i blew off plans with my friends if he called. and when it didn't work out, i was disappointed and hurt. (mind you this was my first "relationship" in 7 years, and let's face it, it wasn't really a "relationship".) all of that, sadly, is totally in tune with my personality/temperment. what's going on now? so NOT part of my normal character. let me 'splain. here's the skinny on river boy. he has a gf. it is actually much more complicated than that, but that's the simplistic version. normally? there would be no discussion and i'd be done. at this particular time in my life? for some reason, this doesn't bother me. why the hell not, you ask? because i don't want him to be MY bf. this is where the thinking like a guy comes in. i. don't. care. that. he. has. a. gf. i realized that while i do miss being in a relationship and being in love and being loved, i'm afraid. i am petrified to put myself out there. i've been thru all of the disappointments before and i don't want to get hurt. i don't want to let someone into my heart. that's the only thing i can think of to explain my attitude. i've told ALL of my friends the same thing. and that is this....... i want to use river boy for sex and that's it. i don't want him to be my bf. honestly? i don't know that he'd be able to fulfill my emotional needs, were i to let him in. so i find myself in a strange position. i like this guy. he makes me laugh. we enjoy some of the same hobbies. and he has a gf. and he wants to spend time with me. and i? have started thinking like a guy, don't recognize myself, and am loving it. in fact i told my best friend that "this is NOT your best friend that you're talking to! i don't know who this girl is! but i kinda like her and think i'll keep her around for awhile." because after all, it is all about me. --------