AUTHOR: tbooty DATE: 8/08/2004 04:51:00 PM ----- BODY: so today i was going thru some boxes that have been stacked in the garage for a while looking for items i can sell at my friends garage sale next weekend. i found a bunch of stuff that, for the life of me, i don't know why i kept in the first place. i mean, there are items that i know why i still have them, be it for sentimental reasons or "i really want to keep this but i don't have room to display it" reasons. then there's the other stuff that goes in the "why the fuck did i keep this?" section. it's really quite amazing to me some of the things i found. for example, whem i was in high school, (in the mid to late 80's) one of the big things was pins that had sayings on them. ("i only look sweet and innocent", etc.) i have a bunch of these in a box in the garage. they still make me laugh, so i'll keep them. but some of the jewelry? uh, retro isn't THAT in these days! oh well. as i was going thru all of these boxes, i found one thing that i didn't count on. one thing that called to me. one thing that i had to peruse further, even though, deep down, i didn't really want to. it was the box that held all the letters and things of that ilk from the ex-fiance'. well. this ought to be interesting i thought to myself. it's been, good lord, 9 years since we broke up. (think i'm a pack rat?) i figured that it's been long enough that i should be able to look back on that time in my life and not get all emotional, right? fucking wrong. on so many levels. now, before you jump to the conclusion that i regret ending it with him, i don't. he didn't know how to keep his pants on when i wasn't around and i WAS NOT going to deal with that. it was for the best that we ended it when we did. that does not mean it was not painful. i didn't think, however, that reading the old love letters would bring me to tears and start me wondering if i'll ever find love again. because honestly, there are days when i don't know that i will. unfortunately, after reading EVERY. LETTER. IN. THE. BOX. today turned out to be one of those days when i doubt i'll ever be that loved again. now, don't get me wrong. i've had one other fulfilling relationship after that one. however, that one ended 8 years ago and there have been none to be found since then. there were 2 guys that if the timing had been different.......but it wasn't. and they didn't work out. and then i put myself on a sabbatical from dating until last year. and i met a guy last summer. and it didn't work out. and then i met river boy. and while i had decided to fully use him for his body, i don't know if that would be enough for me and i don't think he's capable of fulfilling my emotional needs. so here i am back at square one. alone. no prospects. nothing on the horizon. and i feel so alone. and a little sad. ok, a lot sad. and i don't understand how the jackasses in the world can have someone that they love that loves them back, and the nice people like me get nada. what's up with that shit? oh, by the way, i'm having a pity party. i'll be serving margarita's. who wants to join me? --------